


I want to see you here, beside me dear, but things aren't clear

by prettychaotic



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Love, M/M, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-04-17 07:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14184336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettychaotic/pseuds/prettychaotic
Summary: Harry and Louis are re-united after months apart. Harry is insecure and Louis is an asshole.They try to find their place together after everything that's happened.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I know that we were meant to break (So what, I don't mind)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1130590) by [estrella30](https://archiveofourown.org/users/estrella30/pseuds/estrella30). 



Harry wakes up, dazed and confused, in a sun ray that’s warming his skin. This is not his bed. Louis is snoozing beside him, with his legs tangled in the thin sheets and his arms underneath the pillow. It’s early, and Harry knows it. He usually wakes up at 4 pm and he knows that it’s not even 8 am yet. 

He feels a bit chilled as he walks up to the window of Louis’ bedroom and looks out. The sun is just rising and the air looks crisp and fresh. Harry wishes he could go for a run, right here, but he might be seen and it’s not worth it. Besides, Louis and Harry have a lot to talk about from last night. Harry can’t really be bothered to talk at all but he knows Louis won’t let it go until they have talked it out. He never does, and somewhere down there, Harry appreciates that. Most people go easy on him when he is not feeling well, but not Louis. Never Louis. 

Harry shimmies into the sweatpants he was wearing yesterday. They are old, Harry used to wear them when Louis and Harry lived together, back in 2011. He doesn’t bother to put something on top, and besides, his t-shirts and jumpers are probably dirty anyway. Before he gets out of the bedroom, he glances quickly at the still sleeping Louis. Sometimes Harry forgets that they aren’t friends like before, because when he sees Louis like this, sleepy and quiet, they might as well be the same as they were a couple years ago. 

Harry opens the fridge in Louis’ kitchen. It’s empty except for some milk (that’s probably old if Harry knows Louis well these days) and a couple of red bulls in a corner. Harry walks over to a cabinet instead and puts on the kettle. Where Louis is, there is tea, Harry thinks to himself. Even though he himself prefers coffee, he enjoys tea when it’s at Louis’ house. Though it has been years since he had a cup of tea here. 

When the tea is brewing, Harry walks around Louis’ kitchen for a bit. Louis used to be so neat and usually had his house cleaned up, but now, it looks like a mess. Guess Harry isn’t the only one who is enjoying the break, then. Although for Louis, it looks more like he has been in the sofa ordering food from Domino’s every day, while Harry has been out, been papped a lot, have eaten a lot of kale that he later in the evening has been throwing up after a few lines. He sighs and goes back to his tea. He plops down on one of the bar stools and drinks carefully. Hot. 

"Mornin’." Louis walks into the room with the same clothes he was wearing last night and unlike Harry, he has put on a shirt on top. Harry carefully sips his tea while looking at Louis. "You look like a lost puppy", Louis snorts and Harry laughs nervously. 

Louis opens the fridge and takes out the milk before he makes himself a cup of tea too. No sugar, lots of milk, Harry remembers. Guess the milk wasn’t old after all. Harry spares another glance at him and puts up his hair in a bun. Louis sits down on the other side of the bar. He looks at Harry curiously. 

"So. We didn’t have a very long conversation yesterday", he says flatly and Harry kicks the bar with his bare feet. "Harold, look up." 

Harry looks at Louis. He doesn’t feel like talking. He’s just not the type who opens up to anyone anymore. The times he did he always got hurt the most. It’s better to not talk. 

"I told you, it was just a lot of things. I came here because… Yeah, because you feel easy to come to." 

Louis shuffles a little, to Harrys surprise. 

"How are you? Like, really? You looked like a train wreck last night, I’m telling you", Louis asks and is that concern in his voice? Harrys heart warms up a little bit at that.  
"Thanks", is all he answers though.  
"You know what I mean. The break is hard on you, I get it. I’ve seen the papers. I’ve heard rumours. Tell me."

Harry doesn’t want to tell. He is embarrassed over all the coke he’s done, all the sex he hasn’t been enjoying and all the times he hasn’t been happy. 

"If you’ve heard the rumours then I guess I don’t have to tell you…"

When Harry says that, Louis slams the tea cup down on the table. 

"Fucks sake, H! You come here looking like a fucking rubbish bag, cuddles into me when we sleep and still you can’t tell me! What’s so fucking bad you can’t tell me? Is it drugs? Sex? I can handle it."

Harry is caught off guard. He knows Louis is forward, but he didn’t expect to be yelled at. Not this early at least. Tears forms in his eyes and he blinks to not let them spill. 

"I am such a fucking idiot, a fucking slag, that’s what I am", Harry exclaims weakly.  
"Tell me then! Haven’t I been a fucking idiot during the years? You know I have! But we’re friends, Harry!"

Harry pauses. Friends? Is that what they call each other now?

"Are we?" He asks, doubt evident in his voice. 

Louis doesn’t say anything this time. He just looks at Harry for a while, looking confused and sad. 

"I don’t know. I try to be. I want to be." 

They sit there looking out the window for a while after that. Harry sips his now cold tea. Louis has abandoned his cup. Harry sighs. This isn’t the point of him being here. He just wanted to cuddle up and maybe be scolded a little bit for not washing his hair in a while and then leave in the morning. Guess it went differently. Guess he isn’t used to having real friends who just doesn’t let you leave until you’re done. 

"It’s both. Drugs and sex. Turns out the rock star dream isn’t very satisfying", Harry says with a little laugh. He goes for a ”oh well” attitude but it comes out as depressed and deep. 

Louis doesn’t laugh. 

"You know, you can stay here for a while. I’ve heard kale is your new thing. Maybe I can order a stupid food package or whatever you order when you are at Kendall’s in LA. I’ll even try it if you want", he says and now Harry starts laughing for real. 

It bubbles out of him before he can stop it. Harry just admitted to taking drugs and Louis talks about fucking kale? He looks at Louis and Louis lets out a short laugh. 

"You know, I would be happy to buy something more than red bull to this fridge. Maybe even some toast", Harry bites back and Louis’ eyes sparkle.  
"Oh yeah? Make me some smoothies and banana pancakes? Maybe slip in a bit of seaweed and chia seeds?" 

And they both start laughing at how silly they are being. Two grown men, Harry 22 and Louis 25, and they are biting at each other like they did when they were 16 and 18. Like nothing happened, like they’ve never been forced apart by media, like Louis hasn’t hurt Harry and like Harry hasn’t shed away from Louis at all. Harry could cry at the thought. He doesn’t though. But he could. 

"C’mere", Louis says and Harry does what he’s told. He crashes into Louis’ arms and lets himself relax in a warm embrace. Louis scratches his scalp carefully. "Just for a few days, a week or two, H, I know you need it", Louis says and Harry nods. 

Louis follows Harry to the bedroom and Harry climbs down under the blankets again. The room is light. 

"I’m still tired", Harry groans.  
"Then sleep", Louis says.

And Harry does, while Louis closes the blinds, leaving the room in complete darkness.


	2. 2

Louis comes home, careful not to slam the door. He has two bags of shopping in his hands. He is sweating like a pig. He puts everything down on the floor, toeing off his shoes carefully and sneaks into the bedroom where Harry is buried into the blankets, looking very snug and relaxed. Louis sits down on the bed beside him. He figures a two hour nap is enough for now and carefully shakes Harrys shoulder. 

"C’mon, time to get out of bed."   
"Whatimeissit?" Harry rasps out and Louis has to keep from not kiss Harry on the hair and put him to sleep again because he looks so genuinely confused and tired.  
"It’s nearly eleven. I went shopping. Figured we needed some food in the house." 

Harry rubs his face in the pillow and lets out his hair from the bun. 

"Slept really good", he says quietly. "Best sleep I’ve had in a while." Louis smiles down on him.   
"Come out when you’re ready. I’ll cook some eggs and bacon. I can cook nowadays. At least breakfast."   
"You always had it in you", Harry smiles and Louis huffs before he leaves the room. 

Louis is careful not to burn the toast, or the bacon, or the eggs. He doesn’t know why he feels so neat about this cooking but it just feels important and he wants Harry to feel good now that he’s actually here. Maybe they can pretend things are as they were before everything happened. He’s certainly hoping they could start over, but he knows that’s impossible. 

By the time the bacon are on the plates and Louis is pouring juice into a glass, Harry steps in. He is wearing a towel and his hair is wet from the shower. His skin is glowing from the steam and Louis is lying if he doesn’t say that he took an extra look. Harry definitely is something to look at these days. Not like he hasn’t always been. Oh, great, now he is babbling inside his own head. And staring. Juice, Louis! 

"Wow, haven’t had this kind of breakfast in a while", Harry says, his voice deep and still on the edge of sleepy. Louis smiles back at him.   
"Well, me neither", he says. 

Harry, who isn’t planning to put anything else than that damn towel, sits down on the same bar stool as before and Louis hands him a plate. Harry grabs a fork and starts digging in as Louis sits down. He would also call himself a liar if he said that Harrys nudeness isn’t bothering him, but he doesn’t say anything. Harry has always been a person that doesn’t like clothes. It has just been a long time since Louis hung out with Harry. And with little Harry. 

"Sorry, do you want me to put something on?" Harry suddenly says pulling Louis from his thoughts about Harry’s dick. I’m washing my clothes in the machine but I think I might have something in my trunk still…  
"Shut up and eat, Styles", Louis interrupts. He doesn’t mean to sound harsh, but he does. Harry looks down at his food. 

Louis studies Harry for a bit when they sit there. His nails beds are broken and dry, his lips are raw and red. His shoulders are tense and his skin has a little bit of a pale, grey tone. Harry has always been skinny but this is on the edge to the worst Louis has ever seen him. Louis is just glad he’s eating, and feeling better. Even if he wouldn’t admit it right away, he’s happy Harry came. He’s happy he can baby Harry and take care of him when no one else has the courage to, even though he would much rather have Harry happy and content with his life. Louis has just been feeling a bit lonely lately, even though he has been enjoying his telly and Big Brother very much, thanks. 

Harry finishes his food and juice.

"Thanks, Lou", Harry says. 

Louis nods. Pause. Harry looks down at his phone on the table. 

"Do you wanna get in the hot tub?" Louis asks then.   
"Maybe later", Harry says without looking up. 

Which pisses Louis off again. But he doesn’t say anything. That’s not his job. 

"Nick asks where I am", Harry says flatly. Louis stops in his tracks where he is putting everything in the dishwasher.   
"Tell him to piss off", Louis responds.   
"Oh come on, Lou. He’s a nice guy", Harry tries but this time Louis can’t take it.   
"Yeah, I really thought so that time when he left you as an 18 year old in a club by yourself when you were drunk off your ass and me and Zayn had to come get you at 2 am. Or, oh, that time when he joked about you ”hoeing around” with the women after you’ve clearly expressed that you didn’t like those rumours. Or wait, what about that time he left you all alone to go to the gym when you were crying because of all the hate you were getting. Yeah, I would really say he’s a nice guy, Haz, really nice. One of the best", Louis says sarcastically and rolls his eyes.   
"Hey! Not like you’re the best in the book", Harry replies and Louis didn’t actually expect it.   
"I didn’t say so either! But at least I won’t leave your too nice ass when you’re feeling bad! I would follow you around like a dog until you told me what was wrong, and you know that!" 

They stand there, just looking at each other for a while. Harry drops his phone to the table and puts his face in his hands. Louis walks over to the bar when he sees Harrys shoulders shaking. 

"I’m just too nice to everyone, am I not?" Harry sniffles a little and Louis feels like his heart might break.   
"Sometimes. You just gotta tell them no when you mean no. That’s it", Louis says calmly. 

Harry sits there for a while and cries into his hands. Louis is looking at him, not entirely knowing what to do. Harry just lays his head down onto the table and Louis walks over to him, rubbing his shoulders carefully, not knowing what he should expect. Louis can’t remember the last time he cried, not like that at least. But Harry is different. Harry could probably cry at everything and it would be okay. 

Harry rises from his seat and puts his plate in the dishwasher along with their cups from earlier, and from yesterday. Then he walks out of the kitchen. When Louis doesn’t follow directly, Harry just looks back with a pleading look and Louis follows into the living room. Harry sits down on the sofa and pulls Louis favourite blanket over himself as he grabs the controller. Louis sits down on the other side of the sofa. He feels very stiff and doesn’t say anything until Harry clicks Netflix on his Apple TV.

"No documentaries about silver horned beetles or whatever", he snorts out and Harry looks at him, amused.   
"The Notebook okay?"   
"Nothing I would put on for a Saturday night with the boys but I guess whatever you like, young Styles", he says with a fake sigh. Harry elbows him in the ribs and Louis laughs, genuinely for the first time in weeks it feels like. 

Harry buries himself in Louis’ blanket and puts his feet in Louis’ lap. Louis pats his legs a little bit before he puts his own legs on the extension of the sofa and falls back against the pillows. They watch the film and Louis, who has already seen this film approximately fifty times, falls asleep after thirty minutes with Harrys legs in his lap. He wakes up when the after texts starts rolling and realises that Harry is sleeping as well. Louis decides to just go with it and tells Siri to turn off all the lights, pull down the blinds and turn the TV off. He lays down behind Harry in the big sofa and cuddles in close underneath the blanket, not caring that Harry has just a towel on underneath. He falls asleep in a second.


	3. 3

They wake up at five. It’s getting dark outside as they roll out of the sofa, a little embarrassed to fall asleep together like that again. Harry agrees to order food from the nearest thai place and Louis makes the call. Harry takes his phone from the table. He starts composing a text to his mum. 

"Staying at a friend’s for a couple of days, or weeks. I’ll come home in a while. Love you x"

His mum replies worriedly after only a few seconds.

"Are you taking care of yourself, Harry? I really hope it’s none of those friends from LA. They don’t care about the real you. Love you always xx"

Harry breathes for a few seconds before answering. 

"No need to worry, mum. I’m at Louis’. Talk to you in a few days x"

And with that he puts the phone back on the table without waiting for a reply, and without replying to Nick’s message from earlier. Louis is right. He needs a break from all these people. He needs some therapy in the form of The Notebook, thai food and a warm glass of milk. He takes up one of the fashion magazines that Louis have laying around the house for some reason. Louis is a fashionable person at times, sure, but fashion magazines? Harry assumes they’re an auto shipment from some company that Louis just scoffs at. 

"Ten mins", Louis says behind him and Harry nods. His stomach is churning. 

The latest weeks, Harry can’t remember when he had real food. A sandwich when he wakes up, maybe, but on bad days he has just been drifting off to sleep with a taste of sick in his mouth after throwing up alcohol all night. Some days he has been drinking a cup of coffee and eating a small snack before heading out for the night. He has become very skinny, and he sees how Louis is looking at him. Harry decides to speak.

"You know, I really appreciate that I could crash here. That I can crash here. Seriously, Lou, I really really appreciate it. I haven’t felt this good in months and I haven’t even been here a day. So thanks", he gets out. 

Louis just nods. 

When the food arrives, Harry digs into his phad thai so quickly Louis looks shocked. Harry has never been a big eater, very fussy at times with food. When Zayn had his bad period Harry nearly got sucked in too. But today is different. He savours the taste of the noodles and the fat dripping from it. In a few minutes, he is digging into the spring rolls that he also ordered. Louis is carefully eating his chicken and rice while glancing over at Harry now and again. 

"Hungry, are ya?" Louis asks with a grin and Harry nods quietly.  
"Starved", he replies. 

Louis looks a bit worried at that, but keeps his mouth shut about it. They sit there and eat, Harry in his towel and Louis fully clothed. When they finish, they sit there in silence. Not awkward, not stiff. Just silence. Until Louis phone rings. 

"Hi mum", Louis answers after looking at the display. 

Harry sits there quietly, listening in. If it was someone else, he would probably feel rude. But with the boys, and especially Louis, they know each other so well, and they know all their parents too. Harry hears them chatting about nothing for a while before he hears Jay ask if Harry’s there. Harry and Louis look at each other, confused. 

"Yeah, as a matter of fact he is. How’d ya know that?" Louis asks suspiciously and puts her on speaker.  
"Anne called me, worried sick. She said Harry had said over text that he was at yours, love. I didn’t know so I had to call you."  
"Hi Jay", Harry chips in.  
"So you’re really there? Nice to hear your voice, sweetheart. How are you?"  
"Been better. Your son is taking care of me though." 

Louis blushes deeply at that and Harry smiles a little bit cheekily. They talk for a bit before hanging up and the silence takes over them again. This time though, it’s different. There are words in the silence, in the air between them. Words that should have been spoken years ago but never were. Jay always liked Harry and Louis together. When Harry as a 17-year old stepped into her house after Louis, she always took care of him. When Louis and Harry moved in together she was always there to support them. They had a special bond. 

Louis brushes over Harrys knuckles across the table with his hand. 

"Hot tub?" He asks and Harry nods, pulled from his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't particularly long, and it's a little bit cheesy. So if you don't like cheesy, prepare for a bit of smut next chapter. 
> 
> Also, Jay was alive when I wrote this. Rest in Peace.


	4. 4

Louis watches as Harry slides into the hot tub, discarding his towel on the tree deck beneath it. Louis almost manages to look away from Harrys broad shoulders and toned legs. Almost. He shivers a little from the cold wind and steps up the little ladder before dropping his towel as well. He quickly slides in across from Harry, pretending not to see the looks Harry are giving him. The tub is hot. Very hot. Louis dips his head in quickly and feels the crisp air hit him as he comes up. Harry is pulling a hand through his hair carefully. His eyes are reflecting the candle on the side of the tub that Louis always puts there.

\- You feeling better now? He asks and Harry nods.   
\- Feeling like a new man, he laughs until it echoes out and some distant cars are everything they can hear. 

Louis sips his red wine that they brought out to the tub. Harry does the same. Louis feels it sit in his stomach and turn his cheeks red. But maybe that’s just the hot tub. Maybe it’s the fact that Harry is naked in the same hot tub as him. Louis ignores it as he takes another sip. Harry scrubs over a tattooed arm on the other side. His cheeks are also a tint of red. They share a look until Harry looks away, huffing out a small laughter. 

They sip the wine, not talking much. Not really doing anything much to be honest. Pours another glass. Louis cheeks are really heating up, his body tingling. He hasn’t had a glass of wine, or two, or three, in a long time and he’s feeling it. Even Harrys eyes look a bit glassy as he is right on staring from the other side of the tub. Louis puts down his glass, his hands shaking a little and his heart hammering. Harry doesn’t look away. Louis just scoots over to Harrys side, still not breaking the eye contact. 

The moment their lips meet, Louis does not know what is going on. Harry doesn’t either, by the feel of it. They are trembling against each other, just adjusting. Louis licks into Harrys mouth, getting the approval to enter. They aren’t touching in any other places, just their lips intertwined together like an electrical string between them. At least until Harry pulls away slowly.

\- Umm, I… I haven’t been with a man since… Yeah, you know, he whispers.  
\- Just kiss me, please, Louis whispers back and Harry does. Their teeth clashes together, and there is a hand on Louis thigh. 

Louis hand goes to meet Harrys and he guides it up to where his cock is hard and fat against his tummy. Harry shivers against his skin and grabs it carefully. Louis can’t stop the moan erupting from his throat, biting Harrys lip with it. Harry breathes against his mouth and pulls a hand through his hair again. Louis takes that hand and pins it down against the bench in the tub, Harry moans. Harrys other hand tugs roughly on his cock, but not too rough. Just Harry-rough. Louis bites down on Harrys tattooed shoulder, feeling Harry response with a buck of his hips against him. 

Louis pushes Harry up of the tub, sitting him up on the edge, attacking his neck with bruising kisses. Harry just bends into it, bucking his hips up against Louis stomach where he is standing. They are moaning together for a moment until Harry pinches Louis’ arm a little. Louis stops the kissing on Harry’s torso and looks up at him. 

\- Can we, um, wait, Harry says quietly, almost inaudible. 

Louis scoots away, releasing his grip on Harrys hand. He leans back on the hot tub and pulls a hand through his wet hair. 

\- What’s wrong? Louis asks. 

Harry swallows and breathes before he opens his mouth again. 

\- Just… Too quick. I’m barely sober and you’re nearly drunk and I haven’t even been here a day and, I mean, we haven’t met in a while… Yeah, I’m scared, he finished and looks at Louis with those green eyes. 

Louis nods. Harry’s right. Louis is definitely pushing this too far. Like always. Just him and his fucking mind that never works like other people’s minds. Louis bites his lip to keep himself from saying something too fast. He doesn’t even know what he wants to say. He is hurt, of course. The man he wants to sleep with doesn’t want it back. He was just hoping for something. Hoping way too fast. 

\- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen this fast. I don’t know if I meant for that to happen at all, Louis says. 

Harry leans in against Louis, and he gives him a featherlike kiss on the lips. Louis just grabs Harry’s hand over the water and holds it as a reassurance that he’s there. That they are okay. Even if he doesn’t know if they will ever be okay.


	5. 5

Harry is contemplating leaving. It’s 2am, Louis is fast asleep and Harry is wide awake. His notebook is downstairs and he wants to write but Louis is asleep and Harry doesn’t wanna wake him up. He has been counting sheep, counting gummy bears, counting cocks for fuck’s sake, but nothing. His brain is awake like never before and it’s all because he came here. 

Harry hasn’t been thinking of Louis that much lately, honestly. A few tweets here and there has gone through his mind, and he’s been paying attention to the people in the studio talking about him and what’s gonna happen during the hiatus. Harry has been listening to them talk about how Niall and Harry definitely are gonna be the ones to ”make it big”. Not that they’ve said it to Harry or anything. Harry just knows the art of being very subtle and stupid in the background but secretly listening to all kinds of conversation. Honestly, all kinds. From pink eyebrows to bum sex. He’s heard it. 

Anyways. Louis has really not been in the forefront of Harry’s mind the latest months. There was a few weeks after their last performances that Harry was wondering a lot about that hug on stage. It had been huge news on Twitter. The fans were going absolutely crazy about the fact that they even touched after all those years. Harry must admit, it wasn’t part of the normality that they hugged. In fact, it had been years since there was no air nor space between Louis and Harry. But it was really nothing more. It was a hug, to remember all those years together. A hug, that’s all. Right?

Louis moans in his sleep and turns over, startling Harry. Harry wonders if Louis has been here alone this whole time. There were rumours, about some girl, but Harry guesses that happened fast and ended faster. It’s usually like that with relationships in this industry. Harry’s had a few. Taylor, Kendall, Cara, some models. They were great, especially Kendall. They were just not… Enough. Or well, Kendall was more than enough. That was the problem. 

\- Go to sleep, Louis suddenly murmurs and Harry smiles.   
\- Can’t sleep, he says and his voice cracks a little. 

Louis sits up.

\- What’s bothering you? He asks and it’s so simple, such a simple question, but still so hard to ask.

That I think after all these years, I’m still in love with you. That’s what Harry wants to reply with. 

\- I guess just being here, he says instead.   
\- I am that intimidating? 

It’s a joke, and Harry should laugh. But he doesn’t. 

\- I guess. 

There is a few moments until Louis opens his mouth again. 

\- Feel like a glass of some warm milk? Might help you sleep. I don’t have any pills in the house, you know.


	6. 6

Louis slowly cooks the milk on the stove. He could’ve easily done it in the microwave, but he likes to do it on the stove. He likes the feeling of being at home in Donny and warming it for his sisters. Although Harry isn’t really family, he certainly feels like it after these years. They’ve shared a lot. 

\- Do you remember when you fell out of my bunk in the bus and hit your head on the table and I was so scared you would be retarded or something? And Zayn almost peed himself of laughter, Harry says from where he sits on the edge of a chair. 

Louis nods. He remembers it very well. He remembers that whole day. Even though Harry didn’t bring up the particular high point of that day, Louis knows that Harry remembers it too. It was the day Harry kissed Louis for the first time. 

Louis shakes his head, as to get rid of the thought of Harry’s lips that first time. Soft, warm and perfect for Louis’ lips. Probably ten times more exciting than Louis’ first kiss with some girl from sixth grade. Probably twenty times more exciting than kissing with Eleanor, the girl Louis is supposed to be dating since a few years back. She’s nice and all. There’s just one tiny problem - the fact that Louis is completely uninterested in women. 

Harry hums happily when Louis gives him a warm cup of milk sprinkled with some vanilla. Louis would like to say that it is his speciality, actually. The number of nights he’s been up to make his sisters one of these cups is impossible to count. Louis doesn’t drink anything himself. He’s barely awake. 

\- I know that it’s been a long time, but I can’t scare you that much, Louis says and he doesn’t try to sound threatening, but he does, a little. 

Harry smiles a bit but falls into thoughts after that. Louis can tell, because his eyebrows furrow and he looks older, much older than he did just moments ago. Louis can sometimes forget that Harry isn’t seventeen anymore and he is a man now, not a teenage boy with deep dimples and those brown, soft curls. The hair that hangs down to his shoulders is long and still curly, but wilder and at the same time more flat. His dimples are still deep when he smiles but he doesn’t smile that much anymore, at least not what Louis knows. 

Harry seems to come back to Louis’ kitchen and he opens his mouth to say something. 

\- I just can’t sleep. Just thinking. A lot. About myself, about the band, about… Kendall and LA and my family and about you and me, Harry says before he stops short, as if he’s said too much. 

About me and you? Louis thinks. What about us? As if Harry’s heard Louis’ thoughts, he continues. 

\- I always wondered what could’ve happened to us, if we’d gotten more time. More years. A longer leash from management. If… If we could’ve been together in the end. If I would’ve been yours now. 

Louis’ heart is beating like a drum solo in his chest. It’s definitely too late for them to talk about this, but Louis can’t think like that when Harry admits to thinking about them together, like they were once upon a time. He looks at Harry and they get eye contact. Harry’s eyes are glassy from tears that threaten to spill. Louis feels teary eyed himself all of a sudden. It’s too much and not enough and scary and totally insane. Louis takes Harrys hand. 

Harry just shrugs his shoulders and laughs a little.

\- Bit too late for this conversation, innit? He says with a small voice and Louis forces his own feelings back into his chest before he says something stupid that he can’t take back once he’s said it.   
\- A bit late, yeah, he answers, his voice thick. Louis knows Harry can hear it, but Harry doesn’t say anything. He just strokes Louis’ tattooed fingers a little before letting go, leaving Louis’ hand cold.   
\- Let’s go to bed.

And to bed they go.


	7. 7

Harry wakes up way before Louis, again. He crawls out of bed, careful not to wake Louis, who is charmingly snoring and drooling at the same time. Harry can’t believe someone could still look like a kitten while drooling. And snoring. He looks at the older man and sighs lightly. Why is this so complicated?

He strolls around the house, finding Louis’ office filled with paper stacks and pencils all over the desk. On the desk is a notebook, open wide. A few sentences are scribbled down in a well known handwriting.

We’re dancing on tables til I’m off my face  
With all of my people, it couldn’t get better they say  
We’re singing til last call and it’s all out of tune  
Should be laughing but there’s something wrong  
And it hits me when the lights go on  
Shit, maybe I miss you

Harry stares at it for a while before he realises: it’s about him. Louis has written this text about him. When? Why? An imaginary stream of ice cold water gushes down his spine as he thinks about it. He inwardly panics, because this means some kind of feelings will be talked about that Harry isn’t ready to talk about. But the most scary part is probably that Harry feels the exact same. He quickly leaves the room, careful not to make any excessive noise, before he heads into the shower. 

In the middle of Harry’s usual ”In the Shower Again Tour”-performance, Louis walks into the bathroom. Harry doesn’t hear him over the light notes of ”You got me” by Sam Cooke, so naturally, he jumps when someone else hums with him. 

\- Jesus, Lou, he laughs a little and starts to rinse out the soft conditioner that Louis has for some reason. 

Louis just laughs a little as an answer. 

\- I can’t say I’ve missed someone singing their lungs out while I’m trying to sleep, but it sure feels familiar, Louis continues and Harry hears his smirk even if he can’t see it through the shower curtain. 

Harry gasps dramatically and turns the shower off. When he pops his head out through the shower, Louis is brushing his teeth. There is saliva and toothpaste all over his chin. As said, charming.

\- I thought you enjoyed listening to me singing with a passion in the early morning, Harry says with a shocked look and Louis spits out his toothpaste so even more spills down his chin.   
\- Very much so, even though I must admit, I like you more with autotune, Louis exclaims with a Cheshire Cat grin on his face. 

Harry shakes his hair free of water that hits Louis as a response. He reaches for the towel, but it’s too far away for his whole body to be covered by the curtain and he can see Louis roaming over his crotch and stomach before his fingers finally grip around the towel and he can wrap it around his waist. Harry is blushing from his ears down to his swallow tattoos on his chest and his cock seems to have lost all kinds of control as it gives a quick twitch under the towel and begins to harden slightly. Jesus, Harry. Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies, he thinks to himself as Louis finally looks away to wash the toothpaste from his face. There has been a lot of times when Harry’s cock has lost all common sense, but that was when he was 18. Not bloody 22. 

With all Harry’s willpower, he manages to stop himself at a semi, which is bad enough when you’re in the same room as your bandmate. 

\- Um, I’ll just, breakfast? Louis stutters and Harry quickly nods before Louis leaves the bathroom. 

Harry slaps his own forehead. What the hell is going on in his fucked up mind right now? This needs to stop. He dries his skin roughly, as to remind himself of what he should not be feeling right now. Louis’ towel is too soft, though, so the feeling doesn’t last very long. Harry wraps it around his shoulders and dries his long hair.

When he comes into the kitchen, fully dressed and fortunately, fully soft from the waist down, Louis has made breakfast. Not fancy, nothing special. Cornflakes and yoghurt, a boiled egg, tea on the side, but Harry is pleased that it feels like regular life, although regular is probably the last thing it is. Harry keeps his mouth shut during their breakfast, but Louis apparently can’t.

\- H?

Harry just looks up, shoving his hair back from his face.

\- How long are you staying? 

Harry crashes down on earth again. He has expected a time limit, of course he had, but not this soon. He looks down at his yoghurt, pretending that the cornflakes are swimming around in the bowl and that nothing else exists. 

\- I mean, I don’t mean to be rude or whatever… Louis continues and Harry makes himself look away from the swimming cornflakes.   
\- Um, I’m ready to leave whenever, I guess, Harry says dumbly. 

Louis nods, probably not sure what to say. They sit quietly during the whole breakfast, Harry with his phone, just scrolling through whatever’s on there. It’s just a blur, really. When Louis starts putting things in the dishwasher, Harrys eyes tear up and he escapes to the bedroom without a word. If Louis looks after him, he doesn’t know. He just feels the tears trying so hard to escape from his throat and he needs to stop it. 

Harry barely gets the bedroom door closed before hes sniffling and breathing hard into the soft pillows of Louis’ bed. He doesn’t know why he’s crying so hard at this, maybe it’s just a new thing to feel things again.   
There’s a knock on the door.

\- H? Are you okay? Louis says from the other side of the door. 

Harry just tries to quiet down his sniffles before replying:

\- I’m okay, just needed some space, he says and unfortunately, his voice gives him away. 

Louis opens the door. Harry doesn’t see it, but he hears it. He feels how Louis sits down.

\- I haven’t been completely honest with you, Louis says all of a sudden, where he sits on the bed next to Harry.


	8. 8

Louis feels the change in the air as he utters the words he has been so scared of saying. Harry sits up, his hair a mess and his face red from crying. Louis wishes he wouldn’t have said anything. It breaks his heart to see Harry this way, and now he’s going to break Harry’s heart too. 

\- I… I have, or I mean, I did have… Or well, I don’t know anymore, but there’s another.   
\- Another? Harry says, his voice so small that Louis thinks he’s gonna break.  
\- Another man. Another guy. 

He sees Harry’s eyes, how they turn from confused to hurt, and he so wishes that it wasn’t him who caused that pain, wish he could be the nice one, but he knows he never were, and that he never will be. 

\- Who is he? Harry asks, looking down at his hands.   
\- You don’t know him. 

They sit there for a while before Harry starts talking again. 

\- I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to interrupt your life, and I will be going. You’re entitled to be with whoever you want, and I understand that it couldn’t be me. 

Harry gets up from the bed, with puffy eyes, and dries his nose on the arm of his t-shirt. He takes the bag and starts stuffing it with clean clothes that smells of Louis’ washing liquid that lies scattered around the room. Louis can’t bring himself to say anything more as Harry puts his clean hair into a messy bun. A whiff of Louis’ own shampoo hits him in the face as Harry turns around to pick up his phone. 

Louis watches Harry order a car. He doesn’t know what to say. His heart is beating so fast and there’s so much to say but he can not do it.

\- Funny how I saw those magazines in the kitchen and thought it was very unlike you, Harry says with a small smile.

Louis huffs out a laugh that doesn’t reach his eyes. 

\- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. 

Harry just shrugs. 

The car arrives on the small screen in Harry’s hand. They hug under silence. Harry opens the door and Louis lets him. He waves a small wave with a wet smile as Harry gets in the cab, but Harry doesn’t see him. Louis just watches how the car disappears around the corner, leaving his house empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this part of the story, but I will be starting a new one that's connected to this, because this ended a little sadder than I had thought it would. Hope you all like it x

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read this, please keep in mind English isn't my first language, so if there's spelling mistakes, please tell me!


End file.
